10 Years of Loyalty...

 Bought me absolutely nothing.  I was loyal to CFN and the associated businesses for 10+ years before I was discarded like a piece of garbage.  I wasn't discarded for anything I said or did.  At least that is what I was told.  I was also told it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with someone I am associated with.  That associate couldn't be seen in a picture with a CFN member without causing CFN ownership great duress.  To my surprise and dismay, I was asked to leave CFN because of that duress. A duress I was assured is justified because my associate was allegedly trying to poach CFN members.  This accusation was unfounded in truth.  It was flat out bullshit based on lies being fed to CFN ownership for reasons that remain a mystery to me.  Maybe those people were protecting themselves.  As self preservation tends to be, their self preservation was destructive and punished other people.  Maybe they have/had an axe to grind.  Maybe they felt threatened.  Whatever the reason is irrelevant now that their mission has been accomplished.  They can rejoice in my departure.

 A week before the Open started, I was asked to leave CFN. I kept a lid on my departure until the last week of my time there.  Even then, I only shared my departure with a couple coaches and one member. I shared my departure with some of the long standing members before I left CFN last Friday.  I didn't share the petty details of why I was leaving other than to say I was asked to leave and the truth would be revealed in due time.  I didn't leave CFN on my own terms or because I wanted to leave.  If anyone tries to tell you I did, they are lying.  They are full of shit!  They are only trying to protect themselves or justify their actions.  I stayed through the Open for the sake of the members.  I felt they needed a coach that would help them strategize the Open workouts and also to make sure CFN had enough judges.  Above all else, I felt I had a obligation to the members.  I can't explain why.  I just felt like I owed them something even though staying was to my own detriment.  My mental health suffered over the last month and I am just now coming out of that haze.

 I will not disparage CFN regardless of how I was treated.  I will tell the truth when asked.  I will not recommend people leave CFN out of spite.  Instead, I will tell people to spend their money based on the value they receive from CFN.  If they are happy at CFN and feel they get what they pay for, then stay.  If they are unhappy for whatever reason, then take their money elsewhere.  I will tell people where I hope to coach next.  That is not an endorsement of where I hope to coach.  It is simply a fact.  As the saying goes, "facts don't care about your feelings."

 I won't debate whether or not my departure was justified because I don't believe I was ever told the real truth.  I don't want to believe that the petty nonsense of someone in a picture is the reason I had to go after 10 years of loyalty.  Why even give a reason at that point?  Just ask me to leave.  Don't bother with a flimsy excuse or some other attempt at justification.

 If your friends willingly and knowingly text or show you pictures they know will ruin your day, I suggest you find better friends.  Who needs enemies with friends like that?  Where will those little spies be when the chips are down?  My guess is they will tuck their rat tail between their legs and take off back into the shadows.  They will run and hide like the cowards they are.  There is a reason I have a very small circle of friends and the last month only reinforced why I need to keep that circle small.  I would rather surround myself with lions that tell me the truth than live amongst a bunch of hyenas that want to pick me apart down to the bone and then fill the wounds with lies.

Another Empty Seat at the Table

 The holiday season is upon us and this year is no different than the previous two years.  As I look across the figurative table, there is another empty seat.  This year it was the passing of my father.  Last year it was my grandfather and the year before that was my stepmother.

 These three people have something in common.  I feel like they each owed me something.  Not in the terms of money, but of apologies.  I feel as though they wronged me and owe me at least one "I am sorry."  I think about this quite often and I wonder if it would change anything for me.  Their apologies won't undo the harm they caused.  Their apologies won't make it all better.  I sometimes think it would help me, but I know better by now.  Their debts are better left unpaid.  I don't want to hold an IOU against their souls, assuming there is such a thing.  I have tried for decades to let it all go and move on, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that hearing those two words would make me feel better.  That those two words would repay the debts owed.  That those two words would heal the wounds that time has not.  I'll never hear those two words from them and I guess that has to be okay.  I will pretend they said them with sincerity.  Maybe I can pretend those words into reality, I'll heal, and life will continue on until it is my turn to say them to the people I have wronged.

 Death is a relief for some people.  My father for example, wanted to die.  He couldn't bear his life without his deceased wife.  When she died, he wanted nothing more than to go with her.  It's a shame that he had children that could have used a father, but his grief was too much to live with.