My Battle with Depression Part 2

 My battle seems to have started in February of this year, but I know now that it started well before then. It likely started when I was a late teen, early adult. I have experienced many head injuries over my lifetime. The most recent was when I fell on my head at a competition. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I realize in hindsight that it was another concussion in a long line of them. I would guess I have had at least 10 concussions in my life, three of them very traumatic head injuries. I figured my body would heal itself and I had nothing to worry about. I regret not taking them more seriously until now. I regret being so flippant when I "got my bell wrung", but regrets do nothing for me now.

 I seem to have stabilized in terms of the manic and depressive episodes, but not without side effects. Some of the things I am experiencing are extreme weight loss/gain (8 lb swing in 24 hours), dizziness, blurry vision, confusion, and panic episodes due to the confusion.

 As I write this, I am in another depressive episode. I felt fine when I woke up, but cried the whole way to work. I felt like I had lost something. I felt defeated, despair, and helpless.

Scrambled Egg Brain

 I had an MRI done on my brain last Friday and it comes as no surprise that there is some permanent damage, encephalopathy is the medical term, due to multiple head injuries. I was scared of the results, but not the test. I already knew there was something "wrong" with my brain. I have spent the last ten months trying to find the why/how behind the changes in my brain. I have searched high and low for a reason. There has to be a reason. Well, I think I found the reason.

 I received the results on Saturday and immediately put my online medical degree to work. I went down a rabbit hole I almost couldn't come out of. I was, and still am, distraught over the results. Even though I knew they wouldn't be good, I didn't expect anything permanent that couldn't be treated. I have been assured by some people that I have nothing to worry about...unless I see symptoms or get hit in the head again.  I would say experiencing deep depression 44 years into my life is a symptom of a bigger problem.

 I seem to be the only person taking this seriously. The doctor tells me the risk of further damage and further deterioration is low. It's higher than the average person, but still low. Friends and family tell me not to worry about it. How can I not worry about it? I have seen what dementia does to people. That is not living. That is simply waiting to die. Waiting until someone lets me die. See, humans are different than animals when it comes to death. Animals cast off the weak. Weak animals are a liability. Humans cling to life. They aren't allowed to die unless it's a tragic death or someone else decides it's time. Humans don't get to die in peace, we die in pieces. Loved ones can't let us go. It's never the right time.

 The idea that my mental capacity may decline is alarming. I suddenly feel the need to get rich quick so I can enjoy the time I have left. I know how ridiculous this sounds considering I am only 44. I'll point people to athletes that suffered from CTE. They didn't die because of old age. They died sudden, and often, tragic deaths. I am not suggesting I'll follow in their footsteps, but there is a chance and that scares me. I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of wilting away and dying a slow and meaningless death. I don't necessarily want to go out with a bang, but I definitely don't want to go out with a whimper.

Riding Out The Changes

 I started an anti-depression medication last week. I was hesitant to take the medication due to the multitude of side effects, some severe and permanent. I asked the doctor to explain himself and why I was prescribed the medication. He explained that my risk was low considering the dosage, my age, and my gender. Yes, biological gender is a fact and it's absolutely critical when it comes to prescription drugs. The risk goes up the older I am and especially if I was a woman.

 The doctor indicated that I wouldn't notice a significant difference for at least two weeks. Well, that hasn't been the case. I noticed a couple changes almost immediately.

 First, I had low energy and was struggling to stay awake during the day. I felt like I was heavily sedated. It showed in my posture and tone of voice. I was very monotone and indifferent to everything.

 Second, I can't sleep for shit since I started taking the new medication. I am waking up constantly throughout the night and just laying there without being able to fall back asleep. I get up earlier than usual because I am just laying in bed. I feel run down and I am not getting actual recovery sleep. My watch tells me I was awake for 4 minutes. 4 hours would be more accurate.

 Third, I am anti-social as fuck. I am not normally a social person, but this is a new level of a lack of interest in speaking with or being around people.