I have been experiencing momentary temper tantrums or melt downs over the last several weeks. They have been over insignificant shit and they continue until my attention is diverted elsewhere or I am distracted by something else. I have never had these lapses as an adult so I can only assume they are related to the medication or the medication is revealing behaviors that were previously suppressed.
Some examples I have experienced most recently:
I am a very sensitive sleeper. Sensitive to light, sensitive to noise, and sensitive to temperature. If things aren't perfect, I don't sleep well. For obvious reasons, summer is a real nightmare. It's usually too hot to sleep with the windows open and if I can, I have to find a way to drown out any noise and block any light from coming into my room. I typically start checking the temperature around 7:30 each night so I can start adjusting the AC, if necessary. Saturday night a couple weeks ago, it was still pretty hot at 9:00. I had a melt down even though I know it's often too hot for me to sleep. I was convinced that if I kept looking out the window that the weather and temperature would suddenly change. I was convinced that the AC wouldn't be enough. I was also convinced that I wouldn't be able to sleep. I suspect this irrational response would have continued for several minutes had Ming not been there to talk me down off the ledge. She was able to distract me and talk me through my irrationality.
Ming and I were at Costco a few weeks ago. I had cherries on my list if they had them, which meant I should have been prepared for them to not have them. Then, we got to the fruit...and there were no cherries...let the melt down begin. Ming immediately saw my reaction and tried to distract me. She assured me it wasn't the end of the world, but I wasn't convinced. I wasn't convinced until I saw the peaches and then nectarines over her shoulder. I went from about to throw a fit in the store to not caring about cherries at all in the span of about 5 seconds. Again, this is such a trivial thing but my brain doesn't see it that way. It sees red and the panic ensues.
I was making my weekly chili one Sunday, just like I always do. Except I forgot a couple key ingredients. I realized it the second I opened the lid on my Instant Pot. I had forgotten to add spices to the pot before I set it to cook. I was distraught and was certain it was ruined. Again, Ming was there to calm me down and convince me that I could add the seasoning in after the fact. I wasn't convinced. I "knew" it wouldn't be the same. I was certain it wouldn't be the same. I added the seasoning and put the lid back on, hoping it would work. I was anxious about it until the next day when I had it for dinner. I obsessed over it.
I was doing laundry last weekend and was almost done folding it all and pairing up my socks. Laundry is one of those tasks I find therapeutic. I become transfixed on folding everything just right. Pairing up my sock with the right sock on top of the left, never the left on top of the right. Everything was fine until I got to the last pair of socks. One was missing. I spent the next 45 minutes searching for the sock. I had my flashlight out, I was throwing things, and was literally in tears...over a fucking sock. I was seconds away from calling Ming to ask (more like accuse) her if she knew where it was. I was completely irrational. I "knew" she took it for some reason. I was convinced she had some sinister plot against me. In one brief moment of clarity, I looked inside one pair of my compression shorts. A sock or headband had never ended up inside them, but I figured it was worth a look. I had found the missing sock inside my compression shorts after 45 minutes.
I was at the gym last week, during my most recent depressive episode. I was hearing voices in my head at the time. I wasn't sure where they were coming from so I kept my distance (they are still new to me). I was watching people to see if they were talking to me. They weren't. The voices really were in my head. I tried to lift and keep to myself, but the voices persisted until they reached a crescendo. I had to leave the gym in a hurry before I melted down in front of everyone. I immediately went out the roll-up door and just started crying. I was hyperventilating and panicking at the same time. I just wanted the voices to stop and leave me alone. It was too much noise in my head. Ming saw I was in distress and immediately jumped into action to calm me down and comfort me. She won't always be there to help me. She can't be my crutch and that worries me. I am worried that one of these breakdowns will happen at work or somewhere else and she won't be there to help me. I have to be self-reliant and get these episodes under control. I can't find a therapist that is available until next year. I have to believe that I will be okay until then, but there is no guarantee. I guess I just keep working with my doctor to increase the medication dosage until then. That seems like a dead end proposition that is only masking the issue.
I don't know if these incidents are another symptom or just coincidence. I never had outbursts like them before. I try to not look for new things to be wrong with me, but they are hard to miss when they are out of character when compared to the last several years. I am still tying to pinpoint what changed and when. I can't help but to problem solve myself. Ultimately, I realize it doesn't matter what changed or when. I have to deal with the here and now. Some days are better than others and that's the best I can ask for. I just wish the bad days weren't as bad as they are. I suppose I shouldn't complain since I can still function most of the time. Granted, it's in a limited capacity, but I can still function.
I am debating adding videos to the blog in place of writing. I desperately want to put a face with a name or at least a voice to what I am going through. I truly believe sharing my experience with mental health can help people. It's hard for people to connect with written words only. It doesn't feel like it's something real.
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