Day 7 of this episode and it doesn't seem like there is any end in sight. I have been consistently subdued for the last few days. Almost like the zombie I didn't want to become. I celebrate getting out of bed. I celebrate making my bed. I celebrate not crying when I talk to people. I celebrate showing up at the gym. I never thought these menial tasks would be something I celebrated as win for the day. Regardless of the support I receive, I feel alone. This is such a personal and internal struggle that it's difficult for other people to comprehend.
I told my client about my mental health issues yesterday. I didn't get into the details, but I felt it was necessary for him to know what I am dealing with. Of course, he is very supportive. That's what great leaders do. His concern is my health. There may come a day when I don't want to get out of bed. A day when I can't make my bed. A day when I can't talk to people. He noted how busy I am and I told him that was intentional. Time spent alone in my own head is dangerous for me. I stay busy to avoid thinking about other things. I told him I or someone would call him to let him know when/if that day comes. I am a liability.
I am optimistic that the new medication will help eliminate or at least shorten the depressive episodes. The good news is that the manufacturer offers a discount card for the first year of the prescription. I don't know what I'll do after that, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I have to stop calling the meds drugs. It's a pity party and counterproductive. It makes me feel like less of a person. I already feel that way, but I need the small victories to survive.
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