I have debated about this for several weeks. I would like to share more about who I am and what I am going through. I would prefer to share videos of my experience rather than write about them. Unfortunately, doing so could potentially ruin my career. Sharing who I am could jeopardize everything I have worked for, which is a shame. I still have to wear a mask in a way. I hate hiding who I am and my struggles with mental health.
Talking openly about mental health is still taboo to an extent. We read about athletes and celebrities sharing their struggles and they are lauded as heroes. The common man can't really do that. We aren't seen as heroes, we're seen as weak and a potential liability. What company wants a potentially unstable person working for them? Athletes are private contractors, I am not. I can't decide to withdraw from a tournament and forgo a potential purse. I can't go into my shell for several days and hope to still have a job. Calling in sick is the last thing on my mind when I am battling through a depressive episode.
I would like to believe that most people within my organization would be supportive. I do fear the perception that I am unstable or I might "go off my meds". I suppose both of these concerns are fair. I am unstable when I am off my meds. I am irritable, irrational in some instances, unpredictable, and sporadic in my behavior when I am not medicated. That version of me is intolerable for some people. That version of me makes some people uncomfortable. The so called "new me" is still prone to outbursts of unpredictable behavior, but they are few and far between.
I still miss the manic episodes. They were a welcome distraction from reality. A journey down the path of possibilities and impossible or improbable outcomes. The manic episodes were some of the rare times that I was a dreamer instead of doer. I wasn't an engineer for a few days and that was a relief. I could process information in the abstract instead of confining myself to a binary decision making process. The high I felt is not comparable to any other natural high I have ever experienced. I truly felt like I was unstoppable. I felt like I could stay awake for days and still function at a high level. I felt like I was on a different level than other people. Not superior, but operating at a higher level. I could use 20+ hours of a 24 hour period. At least, I thought I was using 20+ hours. What's not to like about that?
In addition to the many challenges I face with my mental health, I am also a recovering alcoholic. The term "recovering" is unfortunate, but I suppose I'll always be recovering from that addiction. I was recently invited to a wedding. I was agitated the entire day. I had this nagging feeling that I wanted a drink. I knew the temptation would be all around me. I also knew that Ming wouldn't let it happen, but alcoholics always find a way when there is a need. I spotted the bar the moment we walked into the venue, but resisted the temptation and opportunity. Then we sat down at the table and there was a champagne glass in front of me. I kept nudging it further and further away from me, but didn't flip it upside down like I should have. Partly because I still wanted the chance at a drink, but mostly because I didn't want to raise suspicion with Ming's parents at the table. "So...your boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic...that's nice." I nudged the glass further away after it was filled with champagne, but I didn't stop thinking about it the rest of the night. When I told Ming about it later, she asked why I didn't tell her. My rationale is simple. She or someone else won't always be there to save me from myself. Someone won't be there to rescue or protect me. I have to be strong enough to do that on my own.
I haven't historically been a believer in support systems. I never thought they were necessary. I still feel that way to a degree. Once I have a handle on something, I move on. I don't look to other people to keep me honest or keep me out of trouble. The last 6-8 months have changed my view a little bit, but I know (or at least I think) I have things under control. I don't know what happens now if I go off my meds. I imagine there will be some residual still in my body so I wouldn't expect an immediate reaction. There is a part of me that is tempted to go off of them just to see what happens. There is also a part of me that fears the worst. What if I immediately fall into depression and don't want to go back on my meds? What if I have a manic episode and like it too much? I won't test those waters for now, but there may come a day that I feel I have everything under control...until I don't.
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