What is "Normal"?

 I get this question from people a lot.  I understand what they are asking, but I don't know how to answer the question.  I don't know what the baseline is and "normal" is very relative.  I got used to the way I behaved and just figured that was how everyone behaved.  I only recently discovered that most of my behavior and thought processes were abnormal and not generally acceptable.  I didn't think the way other people did.  I didn't act the way other people did.  I didn't see things the same way other people did.  I saw the world through a different lens.  I reached a point where I would just tell people to "take it or leave it" this is who I am.  I didn't realize there was something brewing in my brain.  I didn't know there was some sort of chemical imbalance.  I don't know why it took so long to finally manifest itself into a full blown depressive episode followed by a manic episode.

 I recently learned, inadvertently, that my highs are called manic or hypomanic episodes.  I also inadvertently discovered the difference between Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2.  As I have stated previously, I intentionally avoided researching the disorder so my behaviors were authentic and not based on some preconceived notion.  I wanted to avoid behavior bias.

 I suppose it's fair to acknowledge when I was first exposed to BPD.  I was watching an episode of Shameless and I saw similarities between my behavior and that of two characters on the show.  I thought, "that must be miserable".  I mostly dismissed it as theatrical license.  I assumed at the time that it was dramatized for television/entertainment purposes, which it was compared to my experience (this is in hindsight).  I thought to myself, "I wonder what it's like to be around someone like that?".  Little did I know that I was that person.

 I dismissed what I had seen on Shameless until everything came to a head several months later.  I could see distinct and troubling behavior patterns that I no longer had control over.  I thought the highs were just me being super productive and having a lot of energy with hundreds of ideas about shit that was out of left field.  I would negotiate with myself during the lows and try to hide it from people.  I would brush it off as just being tired after a night of little sleep.  I never knew the cause of my poor sleep.  I just assumed it was not being comfortable or being too hot.  I felt the despair and hopelessness.  I felt the survival instincts kick in and the first thought of, "just make it through the day" enter my mind.  That was six months ago.  That episode lasted nearly two weeks.  Each day getting progressively harder to function.  Harder to even feel like I was human.  I had become feral in some ways, just relying on instinct.  I was very fortunate to not be working at the time.  I can't imagine what it would have been like to have work when I was barely holding on to reality.

 Depression doesn't work the way most people think it does.  People see a person that from all outside appearances, has it all.  I want for nothing, which is something I worked very hard to accomplish.  With depression, I am not just sad for a couple days.  I am literally telling myself to "just make it through the day."  There were a couple times that I thought, "just make it stop."  Make it go away.  I was tired of the constant struggle and fighting.  I was tired of negotiating with myself.  I was tired of the constant game going on in my head.  I couldn't see a purpose.  I kept asking myself, "why me?".  Hadn't I suffered enough?  Hadn't I already paid my dues?  Then, I realized nothing I had ever been through mattered at this moment.  "Why not me?" was a better question.  I have made it my mission to not only survive, but to thrive.  I am not my disorder.  I am not a victim.

 One of the more recent developments is the change in my emotional response to people.  I am mostly indifferent to people when I think about their death or not having them in my life.  I have no sense of loss or sadness when I think about most people.  They have become inconsequential.  I know in my gut and in my heart that I would be sad or otherwise mourn their loss, but my brain dismisses them as non-essential or unnecessary.  I shared this with Ming over the weekend and she was visibly upset.  She wouldn't admit it at first, but I picked up on the visual cue (which is abnormal for me) and persisted in asking her to communicate with me.  I knew what I said would upset her.  Frankly, it would upset most people to hear that I don't care if they live or die.  I know in my gut that is wrong, but my brain is indifferent.  There is still a disconnect there, which makes me believe the medication level isn't quite right yet.  I feel like I have leveled off just below the happy medium we have been working towards.  I will continue to document what is happening and let the week play out.